


losing dogs

by tofugumball



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Gen, Padfoot - Freeform, Running Away, Sirius Black as Padfoot, from home AND problems hell yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 16:40:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21057608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tofugumball/pseuds/tofugumball
Summary: Sirius doesn’t know why he did it.All he knows is that the anger and fear boiling inside him were easier to ignore when he was galloping in the streets and scouring for food with his nose to the ground.





	losing dogs

**Author's Note:**

> title from mitski's "I Bet on Losing Dogs"

Sirius hasn’t told anyone, not even James, but he finds that he can’t stop thinking about it, even as months pass by and the once sharp images start losing their vividness, dissolving amongst the buzz of Sirius’s everyday life at Hogwarts.

Still, his thoughts keep straying to that rainy summer before 6th year, the time he ran away and left Grimmauld Place behind him. 

The Potters assumed he’d come straight to them after leaving home, and Sirius didn’t correct them. He soaked up their warmth and loving attention and filed away the truth deep in his heart.

The truth is, he didn’t go straight to James’s house, like he let them all think.

No; his first instinct was to change into Padfoot. He transformed as soon as he stepped out of the wretched house, feeling safe in the enveloping darkness of the cold summer night. He ran off, not caring about which direction he was going, and ended up living as a stray dog for two days, until a man with greying hair and citrusy cologne saw him in the park and took him home. 

Sirius doesn’t know why he did it. 

All he knows is that the anger and fear boiling inside him were easier to ignore when he was galloping in the streets and scouring for food with his nose to the ground.

So Padfoot followed the man all the way to a small house in the middle of a peaceful street. He let the man give him water and leftover pasta, and he leisurely wagged his tail at the two small girls who approached him with fascination, encouraged by their father.

He became the family’s favourite before he knew it, and he himself grew fond of all of them. He ate from the woman’s hand and let the children stick toy cars in his ears.

But his favourite moments, and the reason he stayed for so long, were the quiet evenings with the tall, gentle man who took Padfoot in and turned him from a stray into a pet.

His new owner liked to spend late evenings in the living room, which became hushed and peaceful once everyone else had gone to sleep, the smells of food and deodorant lingering in the dusty air.

Padfoot used to wait for the man to settle in the old armchair in front of the telly. He’d listen for the tell-tale sound of his fingers typing away on the laptop keyboard. Only then would he rise from his bed in the corner of the room and go into the hallway. 

The collar always lay in the same place, on top of the shoe cabinet. It wasn’t hard for a big dog like Padfoot to reach it. 

It was big and heavy, made of soft leather that Sirius suspected to be expensive. But all he really cared about was how it felt on him, the warm weight around his neck allowing him to relax in a way he didn’t know he craved until he first experienced it.

With the collar in his teeth, he would pad slowly back into the living room and stop by the armchair. He’d rest his muzzle on the armrest and wait patiently until the man turned his attention to him. And every time, without fail, the man would glance at him fondly and lift a hand to Padfoot’s shaggy head in greeting.

He used to say such wonderful things to Padfoot, there in the dimly lit room permeated with safe smells and the hum of the ceiling fan. _Hello there, sweetheart,_ he’d say. _How nice of you to check on me_ and _We ought to take you to a groomer soon_ and once, two weeks after it all began, _What a chance, eh? that I should run across the smartest dog in the world on my way to the shops._

Padfoot would wag his tail, expressing only a fraction of the emotional whirlwind the man’s words would stir up in him, and drop the collar into his owner’s lap.  
The man would sometimes marvel at Padfoot’s intelligence, sometimes chuckle in amusement, and sometimes just be silent as he put the collar round Padfoot’s neck, never tightening it too much, always leaving it loose enough to fit three fingers underneath. 

Still, it was enough to make Sirius satisfied. Feeling the heavy leather around his neck, he’d drop to the ground at his owner’s feet and give a long, happy sigh.  
It made the man laugh, on some days, and he’d sometimes slide his feet out of his slippers and into Padfoot’s soft black fur.

Sirius spent many evenings like that, lying on the old carpet and soaking in the quiet sounds around him, his eyes drooping as he listened to his master’s sighs and mutterings, his own mind blissfully empty.

*

He’d always known it couldn’t last forever, of course. That didn’t stop him from enjoying his time in that ordinary, comfortable house. It didn’t stop him from savouring the feeling of soft hands petting his fur and warm voices calling his name, and it didn’t stop him from staying with the family for almost a month. August was around the corner by the time Sirius finally came to terms with the fact that he couldn’t stay forever, no matter how much the world beyond this simple household with its simple rules terrified and repulsed him.

He thought of his friends.

He thought of Remus during the next full moon, imagined James waiting for a reply to all the letters he must have sent to Sirius since they’ve said goodbye at Platform 9 ¾. He remembered, with a twist in his stomach, all the possessions he left at Grimmauld Place that he’d have to go back for before leaving for good.

He knew he must go, so he spent the day entertaining the family as best he could, inventing new tricks and wagging his tail as hard as physically possible.  
He spent the last evening with his kind owner and everything happened as it usually did. He listened to the man’s words spoken just for him: _Good boy, Charlie. You’re a real treasure._ He licked his owner’s hand and stayed very still while the man fastened the collar for what would be the last time. 

That evening, he didn’t lie down on the carpet right away. Instead he lowered his head onto the man’s knees and closed his eyes. And as his owner began to pet him, his big hands gently stroking Padfoot’s head, ruffling his ears, pressing a fleeting, playful touch to Padfoot’s nose, Sirius felt quite sure that when this moment was over, he would never again know happiness as pure as this.

The feeling stayed with him as he waited for the man to go upstairs, then closed his teeth around the collar and sneaked out of the house in the middle of the night, stopping and looking at it one last time before trotting off down the cold and empty street.

The feeling was still with him as he stood in front of his parents’ house hours later, his whole body aching and his paws numb from the cold.

It only intensified as he dropped the collar on the ground and transformed back, rising unsteadily to his two feet after a month of living as a dog. Without thinking, he bent over and picked up the collar, intending to put it on, when the silver tag caught his eye, moonlight reflecting off of it, and Sirius was suddenly frozen. 

CHARLIE  
07802 765345

He stared down at the engraving on the steel tag for what felt like hours. 

When he snapped out of it, he felt even worse than before. He was back to being a stray, again. He was nothing more than a dog without an owner.  
Blinking back tears, he hid the collar in his jeans and covered it with his jacket, the combination of cold metal and warm leather feeling achingly familiar against his human skin.

With memories of gentle hands and happy voices flitting behind his eyes, shielding him, Sirius took a deep breath and opened the door.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u so much for reading <3
> 
> come say hi on tumblr @queeratleast


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